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4/29/05
Good lord, yesterday sucked. Clinical sucked. Life sucked. My patients sucked. The weather did not suck, but since I came home and went right to bed, I wouldn't know. I suck. I was in such a foul mood, and going to clinical really pushed me over the edge. I have never cried at a school thing before, but I was in tears. Anxiety combined with bad mood and being seven minutes late and having to be supervised for meds (because I gave insulin the week before without having the medex IN HAND as I gave it) and it all just added up.

However, today was lovely. I had different - and calmer - patients, and I aced all of my meds. My charge nurse complimented me on my work, and I feel like I actually accomplished a lot.

I was so ready to meet up with Melissa et al tonight, I really needed it. I've been buckling down so hard over the past few weeks, and my social life has been nil. I really needed a night to just relax and see my friends and hear about something other than nursing, meds, exams and interviews.

Anyway, six weeks until graduation. We take the first of our "predictor" exams in a week and a half - wait, I don't want to talk about school. Enough about that.

Non-school news. Melissa and I found the perfect birthday gift (and card!) for Jen - yes, Jen, you will love it and not want to smack us. I got to see all of my good friends tonight, had a delicious dinner at Don Giovianni's, saw Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, sang, had a drink, and here I am, home again. Missy and I spent some time wondering why we're single. I mean - really, we're both cute, way too smart, can sing every showtune in the book, and can explain the infield fly rule while ogling Derek Jeter. How could any guy possibly feel threatened?

Tomorrow is work, and then after work, I'm going to get together again with Melissa and Tesse so we can watch Sideways (I really, really liked it) and then crash at Missy's, and Sunday we're going to a concert at Symphony Space of Songs For A New World, which none of us have seen in its entirety (except for watching the video up at Lincoln Center a few years ago, which I did) - I can't even express how much I'm looking forward to that.

I feel like I'm getting a better balance on school/work/life, but it's still overwhelming. And it seems like a lot of ppl in my class are in the same boat. We're either having terrific days or rotten ones. I've been saying all year that I can't wait to pass the NCLEX, because then I'll only have work stress to deal with, and not school and work together. And I want to use my earned vacation time before I start working as an RN, because I just want to relax and clear my head.

Whew.

4/27/05
I picked up the info on Kean University's RN-to-BSN program, so I can see when they offer classes. Of course, I should sort out where and what shift I'll be working first, but if I can take a class or two over the summer, it'll be a good head start. The nursing recruiter from the hospital is coming in two weeks to talk to our class about what shifts and positions are available, so I'll have a good idea after that about my hours and which division I'll be in. The hospital has a tuition reimbursement plan, too, which will certainly ease the burden of continuing for my bachelor's.

4/26/05
I think the Yankees would actually win more games if I actually watched games. I'm sorry Derek, this season has just been so stressed and busy for me, but I promise to watch more in the coming months.

4/25/05
There is nothing more relaxing and satisfying after a long day at work than a steaming, boiling hot bubble bath. Unless it's getting out of the tub and realizing that I myself am giving off steam. That's how hot it was. I loved every minute of it. Now I am relaxed.

4/24/05
I did indeed manage to stay up all night Friday (working - because if I'm going to stay up all night, I'd better get paid for it) to make it to the health fair on time yesterday. Unfortunately, the sleep schedule never got back on track, and I missed both Kevin's birthday at Marie's and Tesse's seder today. I just couldn't get back on schedule. But I did get the window fixed and found time to watch Sideways, which was excellent. Thomas Haden Church reminded me of James a little. As an actor who smiles too much and sleeps around before his wedding. Can't imagine why.

I've had weird dreams for the past week. Except for the one with George Clooney. That one wasn't too weird. But weird in the sense that they reminded me that all of my past boy-girl relationships have gone up in smoke, and I am destined to live alone with thirty cats (not that I have a problem with that, as most people aren't worth bothering with) and never find true love. So just weird dreams. But the George Clooney dream can come back anytime.

4/22/05
Got to watch a PICC line (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) inserted today - what a cool procedure for nurses to do. Lots of autonomy in IV Therapy, I tell you.

Tomorrow is the health fair at Faith Fellowship - and I have to be there at 7.30am. Since the only way I'll be awake at that hour is to stay up all night, I'm going to work the 11-7 shift tonight. Which means I'm going to bed right now for a few hours.

later on 4/21/05
Oh wait - a quick (and - finally! - successful) trip to AC won me the money for the car window. And for paying back some of what I owe Mom. And for Visa. And for my next car payment. (Well, it wasn't all THAT much, but it will cover the costs I was worried about.)

And there are tons of pictures from the NSNA convention on their website. It's actually a link to the site where the professional photographer posted them, so you'll need the password. Which is on the NSNA site. There are a bunch of the NJ crew, as well as 30,000 pictures of the Surgeon General (who, I think I said, is so freaking cool) with delegates from all over the country.

4/21/05
What I learned today - it's called your "funny bone" because it's your humerus. I never knew that.

Today is Poem in Your Pocket Day. I didn't know that either, but here is one of my favorites - The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by that well-known Anti-Semite and book-writer of Cats, T. S. Eliot:

  
Let us go then, you and I,  
When the evening is spread out against the sky  
Like a patient etherised upon a table;  
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,  
The muttering retreats         
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels  
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:  
Streets that follow like a tedious argument  
Of insidious intent  
To lead you to an overwhelming question …         
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”  
Let us go and make our visit.  
  
In the room the women come and go  
Talking of Michelangelo.  
  
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,         
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes  
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,  
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,  
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,  
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,          
And seeing that it was a soft October night,  
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.  
  
And indeed there will be time  
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,  
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;         
There will be time, there will be time  
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;  
There will be time to murder and create,  
And time for all the works and days of hands  
That lift and drop a question on your plate;         
Time for you and time for me,  
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,  
And for a hundred visions and revisions,  
Before the taking of a toast and tea.  
  
In the room the women come and go          
Talking of Michelangelo.  
  
And indeed there will be time  
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”  
Time to turn back and descend the stair,  
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—         
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]  
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,  
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—  
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]  
Do I dare         
Disturb the universe?  
In a minute there is time  
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.  
  
For I have known them all already, known them all:—  
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,         
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;  
I know the voices dying with a dying fall  
Beneath the music from a farther room.  
  So how should I presume?  
  
And I have known the eyes already, known them all—         
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,  
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,  
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,  
Then how should I begin  
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?         
  And how should I presume?  
  
And I have known the arms already, known them all—  
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare  
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]  
It is perfume from a dress         
That makes me so digress?  
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.  
  And should I then presume?  
  And how should I begin?
      .      .      .      .      .  
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets         
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes  
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…  
  
I should have been a pair of ragged claws  
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
      .      .      .      .      .  
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!         
Smoothed by long fingers,  
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,  
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.  
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,  
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?         
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,  
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,  
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;  
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,  
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,         
And in short, I was afraid.  
  
And would it have been worth it, after all,  
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,  
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,  
Would it have been worth while,        
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,  
To have squeezed the universe into a ball  
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,  
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,  
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—        
If one, settling a pillow by her head,  
  Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.  
  That is not it, at all.”  
  
And would it have been worth it, after all,  
Would it have been worth while,         
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,  
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—  
And this, and so much more?—  
It is impossible to say just what I mean!  
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:         
Would it have been worth while  
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,  
And turning toward the window, should say:  
  “That is not it at all,  
  That is not what I meant, at all.”
      .      .      .      .      .         
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;  
Am an attendant lord, one that will do  
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,  
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,  
Deferential, glad to be of use,         
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;  
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;  
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—  
Almost, at times, the Fool.  
  
I grow old … I grow old …         
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.  
  
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?  
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.  
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.  
  
I do not think that they will sing to me.         
  
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves  
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back  
When the wind blows the water white and black.  
  
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea  
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown         
Till human voices wake us, and we drown. 
4/20/05
So, huh, you learn something new every day. Today, I learned several things.
So those were the learning experiences of the day.

I need to find out when the summer tutorial for the NCLEX at school ends - Mom and I are planning vacation for July, but I'm worried that it's going to conflict with the course. Will check on that tomorrow.

4/17/05
Not much to say - filed my extension on my taxes, finished my teaching project for school, am working six days in a row. But on the converse, I missed my Judaism class this morning, I haven't heard from an ex that I'm worried about, and I am feeling exhausted all the time.

Oh, but more good news - I had some time at work tonight to do a bit of NCLEX studying, the weather this week is in the 70's and sunny, so I had the top down on my car, and my sinuses are finally clearing up with this lovely weather!

later on 4/12/04
Oh, but let me stress that we spent all day for most of the week sitting in a large, cold room full of student nurses from all over the country. It was a lot of hard work, but we enjoyed it. It felt really productive being there, and we made it fun. As Jen would say, we make our own fun.

3-11 clinical this week, and I could not be more excited to be back on my own hours. I am just not a day person. My charge nurse complimented me on my report-giving, which made me feel great. And our clinical group managed to get a better idea for our Ethics project together - going to work more on that this week. Finished my resume for class on Friday, and I'm making good headway on the Teaching and Research projects, too.

4/12/05
Highlights... lovely bruises on my legs from falling - er, rather, skiing. The keynote speaker was Richard Carmona, the Surgeon General, who opened his speech to a standing ovation when he said, "My name is Rick Carmona, I'm the Surgeon General, and I'm a registered nurse." He was amazing. We're hoping to get a video of his speech to show at school - what an inspirational and funny speaker. Everyone was wowed. The Greek dancers that followed him in the opening ceremony? Not as much fun. Antsy to get out. House of delegates much more exciting in Phoenix. This year was sort of blah. Which had nothing to do with the amount of alcohol purchased and consumed before the meetings. Oh, no, not at all. We sat in front of the Texas delegation, which was huge. For the roll call at the beginning of the H of D, they sang a song blessing Texas, and we sang ours, praising the things you're likely to see in NJ - "12 bada-bings, 11 friends indicted... 5 pinky rings" etc, ending with "and not one garden in the garden state." Got lots of laughs. Other highlights? We had a good time, four delegates from school and one classmate on the national board - it really was a lot of fun. Lots of hard work (I think we passed 16 of the 19 resolutions, I don't have the paper in front of me), but lots of fun, too.

It's good to be home, tho. While the Marriott had very comfy beds, it's nice to be home in my own.

4/11/05
Home - and tired. And Erin is here for the week, celebrating her birthday and seeing lots of theatre (really, what else do we do). I'll update later on, but needless to say, the convention was a ton of fun, and lots of work. But we did have off for most of Saturday, so Lori took Steph and I skiing (first time!) - and no bones were broken. Pictures and more news tomorrow when I'm awake.

4/4/05
Or the entire plan could be changed in an instant by Lori saying to just come by her house in the morning and ride to the airport with her and her husband. I can leave the car there for the week, no problem. That'll get me some extra sleep today.

Now I just have to pack.

later on 4/3/05
Of course, the entire plan could be hampered by overwhelming insomnia.

4/3/05
A 9-2 victory over the Sox? Yeah, I can handle that.

And catching the post-game replay of the cheers Tino got - mmm, chills.

So, the weather in SLC is pretty much the same as it is here. Still, co-traveler Heather said that our hotel has an indoor pool, so I have to find my bathing suit. I made my list of "things to pack" so that I'm not flying over Ohio wondering if my cell phone charger is in fact, still in NJ or why I didn't pack underwear. The usual things to think about while flying, sure.

And it'll take my mind of thinking of being in SLC and not being with Josh there. Moving on.

Since our flight is at 8am, I think we have to be at EWR at 6am to check in etc. So the logical plan is to go to school, come home, do errands and pack, take the train to the city and pop a Benadryl at Dad's (after getting brows done, natch), so I can wake up refreshed and cranky at 4am and take the subway to Penn and catch the train to the airport. The more likely plan is to go to school, come home, do errands and pack, forget a million things and have to go out to Wal-Mart twice, nap til 8pm, take the train to the city, hang out with luggage at Marie's Crisis until closing (4am), and do the train thing. Or splurge on a cab, since at 4am I am just not that awake, whether it's from waking up or staying up.

Anyway, it's a mystery. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

And the one biggie on my to-do list, that absolutely must be done before I go anywhere - I must mail my tax forms to my accountant, Phil. I love him. He sent me the forms in January. He hasn't killed me yet, even tho it's 12 days before they're due. I've just been really disorganized this semester. I was talking with another classmate about that - she and I are usually hole-punched and filed at the end of each day, and both of us have backseats full of loose notes and books. I don't know what it is - senioritis that spills over into everyday life? I hope that clears up.

But yet, taxes. Must be mailed in.

later on 4/2/05
OK, links fixed.

Coworker V. and I went out after work to celebrate his birthday, and had a blast. I told him - "next time, you're driving." Heh. The boy has to learn. And I told him he's not allowed to ruin my reputation at school or work by telling people that I'm actually fun to hang out with.

Tomorrow - Judaism class and work. Monday, school and packing. Tues (really, really early), leave for Salt Lake and a convention-full of student nurses. It's going to be a blast. I really had a great time in Phoenix two years ago, and was upset to miss last year's (due to car accident/missing class), so I'm especially looking forward to going this year.

AND - how bummed am I that I have to work tomorrow? Opening day! Yanks vs. Sox!

4/2/05
One convention down, one to go. The NJ Nursing Convention was last week, enjoyable, but I wanted there to be more focus session timeslots. There were a lot of interesting-sounding sessions but not enough time to see them. Still, had a good time, and love love love the jacuzzi tub at Caesars.

Terry Schiavo, the Pope, Johnny Cochran, Frank Perdue... who's next?

Will fix the links on this page when I get home from work tonight - no time right now.

-catherine

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